Year 1 Reflection

Peace Corps, year two. 

When we began training and current volunteers came from the group before us to help teach us the ins and outs of serving in Mozambique, many of them said, “I have been here a year and have about one left”. That felt so, so, so far away for me. And now here I am writing “I’ve been here a year and have about one left”. And it feels good to say that. I’m proud.

After some time away from site to reflect, I’m happy to say that I am proud of and grateful for my first year here. First, I’ll make a quick list of check boxes of the tangible, results-driven tasks I completed; then I’ll get to the good stuff. 

• Integration: I have friends in the community whom I trust and who trust me. Mana Marta and Family; Filipe my University English Student; and Stela the Seamstress are my three go-to people in town. I’d do anything I could for them, and they for me. Oh and they understand my humor and are no longer offended by my sassiness and the fact that I always seem to be in a rush. HUGE WIN. 
• Portuguese: My colleagues tell me “Já falas”…”you already speak”. Meaning, you got the hang of it.
• Teaching: I’ve figured out how to meet my students where they are. I am much more confident approaching my second year of teaching, and it seems that my students are much more excited for--rather than afraid of-- math class this year.
• English Club: I successfully started an English Club that turned into English Theater, where 10 eager students performed an all-English skit in front of their peers. We didn’t win but it was super fun and they learned a lot. One boy already asked me about starting it back up this year.
• REDES: I started a successful girl group alongside a Mozambican counterpart. We had 4 successful sessions, where they learned about various topics specifically pertaining to their role as women in this community.  We are excited to continue this next year. 
• S&S Mozambelleza: Stela had a dream, I had an idea, and we ran with it. We are still running. www.etsy.com/shop/ssmozambelleza
• Two Grants: I applied for and received two grants to implement projects this year with financial support from WorldConnect and Let Girls Learn. One grant supports a reusable pad-making training day, where we will teach up to 500 school girls how to make reusable pads. The other is to expand Stela and my dress business to include selling in independent shops in South Africa. We will use the grant money to make dress stock and fund advertising efforts…continuing to make Stela’s dream a reality
• Graduate School: I applied to 6 graduate school programs, studied for and took (and did very well on) the GRE, and have already received one decision, just two weeks after submitted my application: ACCEPTED. 

If those eight wins were all I could speak of about my first year, I would be happy, and this post would be finished, and probably readers would respond with something like “cool that’s some good work”. But that’s just the beginning. My Peace Corps bestie came to visit yesterday and we started talking candidly about our first year: the trials, the failures, the successes and the unexpected. And we both realized that this experience is serving us in a way that not many other experiences could. 

That's Elizabeth, AKA Aziza, my PC Bestie.

More accurate picture of us because we both look like weirdos and sangria is involved.

In processing through my year 1 out loud, I realized a few really wonderful things:

1. My relationship with food has improved 10-fold.

I used to be anorexic. And I also used to purge meals, snacks, basically anything in my stomach. I would work out for hours on nothing..before volleyball practice. I was afraid of carbs, fat, and sugar; pretty much anything with calories. Food. I was afraid of food. After two years of struggling, I went to treatment and graduated.

Then, with 6 years of more-or-less healthy living behind me, relapse was one of my biggest Peace Corps concerns. Living with a host family meant that I wouldn’t get to choose what or when I ate. Immersing into a new culture in a developing country meant that running for exercise likely wasn’t too common, and gyms were probably not a thing. I would be in a new country, unable to communicate, with zero familiar faces to confide in with my food/body-related concerns. To me, that seemed like a recipe for disaster, but I was determined to not let my eating disorder take away anything else from my life. So I put my head up and I vowed to keep it under control, although I wasn’t quite sure how I would do it.

Fast forward a year, and my relationship with food is the best it’s been since before that one detrimental day in 11th grade when I told myself I would get “skinny” no matter what it took (in retrospect, WTF is skinny, really?). I don’t count calories. I listen to my body and plan my workouts based how it feels rather than how much I ate the day before. I eat carbs—white bread, potatoes and rice. I put three spoonfuls of sugar in my coffee every morning. The real processed super-bad-for-you sugar that makes coffee taste like dessert. THREE SPOONFULS without hesitation. My roommate and I make brownies and eat the whole batch before one episode of Grey’s Anatomy finishes; instead of feeling guilty or anxious, we feel content. MMMM BROWNIES. I eat vegetables when I crave them, and snack on fruits because most fruits are only around for a couple months at a time. It's currently pineapple season and my mouth is raw 90% of the time and I'm totally ok with that.  

How did that happen? WHEN did that happen? Well, when you live in a place where having any type of food is a privilege, you quickly learn to appreciate it instead of thinking bad things about it. I mean, really, who am I to trash talk white bread when my neighbors may not have the 4 meticais to buy one piece that day? When you’re living next to children with malnourished distended bellies and families who live almost solely on rice, restricting food intake for vanity seems absolutely ludicrous. And so, instead of the desire to get rid of what I put in my body asap, I have come to really enjoy food. I enjoy the work it takes to prepare it (sometimes), the way it tastes, and most importantly, the way it serves my body. 

2. Eliminating the word Should has positively affected my mental health.

It’s no exaggeration that really fucking hard times come and go throughout one’s Peace Corps service. 

        Foreign Language

        New Culture

+      Far Away From Loved Ones

        Lack of Amenities

        No Air Conditioning In Africa

        Unfavorable Gender Roles for Women

        Zero Predictability

        Slowness

        Corruption 

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        HARD. 

For some illogical reason, I came into this thinking there was a certain way things were going to be. I expected to feel certain things, and like certain things, and respond to situations as I normally would in the States. I guess as humans, we can’t completely avoid having expectations, because we really like to know what’s going to happen next. So, when I got to Mozambique, and I reacted to things differently than I thought I would, and felt things I thought I wouldn’t, and got super SUPER pissed about things that I wouldn’t have blinked at in my USA life, I started a bad habit. I started to regularly use the word should.

“I should want to spent more time with my host family even though we can’t really communicate.”

“I should go out of my way to talk to more volunteers that I haven’t gotten to know yet.”

“I should be missing my recent ex boyfriend more than I do”.

“I shouldn’t get so annoyed when men hiss at me in the street.”

“I should be sadder.” (Yes, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I SHOULD BE SAD.)

In retrospect, should is not a great word choice in these types of situations. I have never had this experience before, and nobody has ever had my experience before either. So how should I—or anyone else for that matter—know how I should be feeling or what I should be doing? That word just places more negative judgement on me by me, which leads to more guilt about not feeling a certain way (based on no real truth). For example, I have never had a non-English speaking man propose to me, after calling me baby, without knowing my name or anything about me. So, who am I to say that shouldn’t really piss me off? It did. And that’s ok…quite normal actually (I’ve learned after talking to other female volunteers who hate it just as much). 

And so, over time I’ve learned to change my “should” statements into “am or are” statements. While it’s a process, I’m slowly learning how to observe without judgement. That way, I can understand better my feelings and if I wish I was feeling a different way, I can make changes to support that. Examples:

“I am not spending a lot of free time with my host family.” Reasons: We can’t communicate very well, so there is a lot of awkward silence and that makes me uncomfortable. Possible solution: Carry a pocket dictionary around with me and ask them to be patient if I need to find a word. I actually did this, and it helped— a lot!

“There are other volunteers that I don’t know yet and I’m not making efforts to change that.” Meeting new people is exhausting. Meeting new people and a new culture and a new language is triply exhausting. Take care of you first, relationships will develop as they will.

“I am not sad, and I thought that I would be.” DON’T QUESTION IT THAT’S WONDERFUL.

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Perhaps this makes me sound a bit crazy, talking to myself like that. When it happens though, it’s a lot more aware and fluid and very helpful. I have learned to be more patient with myself, and more insightful without the previous harshness. It has helped to alleviate a lot of negative self-talk, and focus more on my experiences in the moment, before just dismissing them.

Hopefully without Peace Corps I still would have walked in this direction, but this experience definitely bolstered the progress. I’m grateful for that (and not because I should be). 

3. Giving for the sole sake of giving is actually a thing.

I’ve always been service-oriented, very much enjoying helping people—friends and strangers alike. Though I think that for a lot of people (including myself), there is some alternative, personal benefit to giving your free time or resources to help others. You feel good about yourself. When you are down in the dumps, there are concrete examples you can use to remind yourself that you’re a good caring person and it makes you feel better. You feel less guilty about your privilege when you read about low-income families getting their benefits cut in the newspaper. This may seem harsh, but it’s true. How many people do you know that can truly say they serve, or give, or whatever, and that the good deed isn’t something they put in their pocket to save for later? Maybe a few, but the majority I’d guess are motivated by some personal benefit for what they are doing, even if they don't directly realize it.

Let me be clear: There is nothing wrong with that. I was one of those people, and in many ways still am. It’s hard to not find joy or pride in doing something nice for somebody else. However, I’ve had moments here during my service where I’ve either witnessed or practiced giving for the sole sake of giving, and it is just better in a way that’s hard to explain.

Mozambicans share with each other—all the things from gossip to dinners to cell phones. Sometimes they have to, in order to get by, and other times they do just because. I have experienced this sharing many times throughout my service, but one time specifically stands out:

I was at Mana Marta’s on a Sunday evening, just hanging out. Nélcia had made a sort of beef stew with rice for dinner, and everyone was hanging around eating and chatting when I arrived. I sat down and started chatting, told them I don’t need anything to eat, light-heartedly said “enjoy your animals”, and we went about our Sunday evening chill sesh. Little did I know that Mana had asked her youngest daughter, Selma, to go buy some eggs and bread and make me an egg sandwich and fried potatoes. She served them to me, (reminder—I didn’t ask) and I said thank you and ate it. While that was super nice, being fed by a Mozambican family is normal and even if you’re stuffed you gotta just eat and be grateful. Luckily this time I was hungry and it tasted very good. 

Later that evening, after her husband left (he only shows up on Sundays for dinner because he has two other wives and lives in Maputo), we were talking about how he never helps support her or his five children (note: he has 15 children- 5 from Mana Marta and 5 from each of his other two wives). Mana Marta said “This week I’m becoming skinny because we don’t have enough food to eat”. So naturally, I felt really guilty about the meal they just served me, and I asked her “why did you feed me then? I can make dinner at home, and you guys are in a hard spot right now?”. And, without blinking, she said “Because you are our family Sarah. And we always feed our family. We love you.”

Talk about a humbling moment. I didn’t argue any more after that. I said thank you, and meant it sincerely and completely. 

That was a simple gesture, but it taught me something. Giving just to give, to the people you care about, is a really beautiful thing. I’m sure Mana Marta wasn’t planning on using that meal to get something out of me in the future. I’m sure she didn’t think about it again next time she needed a quick cheer-me-up. She just did it because she cares about me and the moment then passed and that was that. Matter of factly: it's unnecessary to think twice about doing nice things for the people you care about, you can simply just to do it. No strings attached.

I find myself following that model. I message friends I haven’t talked to in awhile just because I really care about how they’re doing. I do not do this to avoid guilt or to have concrete reasons to not blame myself if the friendship eventually fizzles. I do it because I care about and miss these people, and I want them to know that. And it’s not that I didn’t care about or miss them before, it’s that now I’ve let go of my own personal emotional benefit; I'm not saving a nice gesture for later. The giving is more genuine for me and likely for the receivers as well. 

I bake Mana Marta cake because I know that she likes it so much (This is not an exaggeration. Her daughters tell me she talks about it days after she eats it). I sit with Stela while she sews, even if in silence, because I know she loves the company. I send random postcards to friends and family because getting personalized snail mail is the best. I’m trying to do more of giving fully for the benefit of the other person, and trying to take less of a feel-good portion for myself. It’s a beautiful process and although it’s not easy, I’m glad I’ve started the journey towards giving simply just to give. It’s not surprising and actually super fitting that this small journey of mine coincided with my larger PC Moz journey. 

In sum, a lot has happened in this past year. The tangible successes—learning Portuguese, teaching math to students coming from different backgrounds, starting a girl group and an online dress shop— are worthy of pride, no doubt. But the good stuff— finding myself embracing opportunities for true personal growth has been the best part. 

Nobody was joking when they said “you’ll give a lot but you’ll get way more [from your Peace Corps experience]”. I’m super excited to see what lessons Year Two has in store for me.

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I want to leave you with a wonderful example of a woman who regularly demonstrates giving for the sake of giving: My Aunt Sue. She hand-knitted teddy bears for each of the children that live with the nuns and help around our house. These were given as Christmas gifts and they absolutely loved them.